A place for a cynical person to write his cynical petty little thoughts and musings.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Memo To All Staff RE: Holiday Party

To: All Staff

CC: Celebrations Catering

From: Jeff Lundin, Manager of Communications

Date: December 27, 2006

Subject: Holiday Party

Firstly I would like to thank the Human Resources Department on the excellent holiday party on Friday. Kudos to you and your team Frank! Although I had a wonderful and fun filled time, I have had the holiday to think about my behaviour and have some regrets. At this time I would like to apologize for my indiscretions.

Firstly I apologize to Ms. Raye, the President’s Secretary. I realize now that many don’t take being called a dog as a compliment. I want you to know that I merely meant I admire how loyal you are to both the President and to Hauser & Phillius Finance as a whole. You do a great job at keeping everyone organized. You might say you are the company’s “best friend”.

Next, Robert our Director of Information Technology, I am sorry that you took my comment of your having “soft hands, like a woman” the wrong way. I just think that your hygiene regiment is something we should all strive for. Robert, as way of apology I’ll sell you my Elixir of Major Defense for only 40 silver next time we are on World of Warcraft together!

And to Marie, everyone’s favorite girl in accounting, although I am not sorry for slapping you on the behind and panting wildly, I am sorry that you didn’t realize this was a compliment, a sort of physical manifestation saying “You look lovely tonight and that dress suits you quite well.”

Pricilla, our new Client Service Officer, I want to welcome you in your first week with us. Perhaps our first meeting should have been something more formal than my hanging my genitalia over the top of your cubicle and shouting, “Who in the hamster cage wants a drink?” I hope you enjoy your time with us and I wish you all the best in your new position.

I now realize that not everyone celebrates Christmas. Ayaat I now know that your people celebrate a different holiday and do not participate in some our Christmas celebration. Therefore I apologize for throwing the Christmas Tree onto your desk and calling you a “stuck up jackass”. I do hope we can raise a glass of eggnog together and put this ugly episode behind us.

And finally to everyone in the office as well as the good people at Celebrations Catering, who I’ve cc’d on this memo, I apologize for fashioning a pair of pants from the sliced meats and rolling around on the buffet table while asking people to “eat my meat”. By the way wasn’t the cheery cheesecakes they put out delicious? Let’s have them catering all our events. Am I alone on that one?

Again thank you Frank for putting on a great holiday office party. Next year though, maybe it shouldn’t be open bar.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

The Murderer Is…

After an intense investigation by British authorities into the 1997 death of the Princess of Wales Diana Spencer the shocking truth has been uncovered. Many conspiracy theories have emerged regarding the death of Diana, and one has rung true. The Princess was in fact murdered. A little after nine years later the identity of this killer has been exposed. A killer who turns out to have been very close to the Princess and was known to be in her presence during the night of her untimely death. The killer was none other than her Mercedes-Benz S280 Sedan. The car has been placed at the scene of the crime by many witnesses and in fact sustained injuries as a result of it’s struggle with both the Princess and her fiance Dodi Al-Fayed. When asked for a comment the Mercedes only responded “honk, honk.”

Many have asked why someone so close to the Princess, and appeared to go to every important function with her would turn violent against her. Our own investigations show that theirs is sorted past. Neighbors report arguments in the winter, where the Mercedes refused to start when she was on her way to a charity event to raise funds for landmine survivors, making her late as she waited for the Mercedes to be “ready to go” or as the close friends of the car state “warm up”. This argument ended with Lady Diana leaving behind Mercedes and driving to the event in a red Mini Metro. Could this murder have been a result of jealousy?

We may never know the entire story, but there is also suspicion that the Mercedes had an accomplice in this horrid crime. Though the thirteenth pillar of the Pont de l'Alma road tunnel in Paris has not been named an official suspect it is expected that questioning on it’s whereabouts the night of the murder will take place in the coming weeks.

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