A place for a cynical person to write his cynical petty little thoughts and musings.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

The Horrifying Travels of Winnie The Pooh

Winnie has been all over the world and has encountered many a danger. Dangers worst than the Huffalump, or being stuck in a tree. Let’s take a moment now to view a few photos of Winnie’s journey across the world.

We begin in Madagascar where a wild cat has pounced and quickly devoured our friend Winnie. We see Winnie is pleased with the situation as the rough tongue of the cat moves across his upper torso and makes him feel loved for the first time in his life.

Next Winnie is off to a Maine beach, where he got crabs. Not that type of crab you filthy bastard! While eating some of the smaller variety this fellow took revenge and snapped Winnie up. Winnie’s smile is due to the fact he has melted butter in his pocket and plans to eat his way out, while doing his best backwards impression of an Alien being born.

Then it’s off to the Land Down Under, Australia where this bloke jumped Winnie and scarfed him down. Winnie is as shocked as we are, mainly because he too can’t identify this strange animal.

Wild Africa, and this time a giraffe. No worries though, Winnie’s head is bigger than this fellows throat. The giraffe will slowly choke to death and Winnie will crawl out free as a bird.

“Ha, ha! The lion’s stomach acid tickles my toes!”

Then to the frigid waters of Alaska where Winnie went clubbing seals. This fellow didn’t care to watch his buddies beaten to bloody pulpy pups and ended it fast. “So cold, hard to stay awake… mustn’t fall asleep.”

And as in the circle of life this Orca eats the seal that ate Winnie. Winnie smiles in spite of himself at the absolute absurdity of the situation.

While in southwest Asia this goat stampedes towards Winnie, opens it’s gaping maw and swallows Winnie whole. This goat, as can be seen by the distinctive markings on it’s chest is a member of the Numbobby Cult. A sect that believes true inner peace can only be found by being in the mouth of another species. Winnie tries to meditate upon this as his foot slowly snakes down the goat’s small intestine.

Back in The Hundred Acre Woods Winnie realizes the sucker he’s been all his life and borrowing a page from Dr. Hannibal Lecter kills and skins Tigger to wear him as a disguise. “Now where is that little fucker Piglet… I wish to wear him as gloves.”

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

There is obviously a lot to know about this. I think you made some good points in Features also.

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