A place for a cynical person to write his cynical petty little thoughts and musings.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Subway Offenders


There are many offensive things people do on the subway. This is only a partial list of some of the worst of those offenses and the punishment recommended for those that commit them.

The Pole Leaner
The Offense
Leaning against the pole with entire body, thus preventing anyone else from grabbing hold. The victims of this crime can usually be found rolling around the train like marbles as a result of not being able to brace themselves.

The Punishment
The Leaner is taped with industrial strength duct tape to the pole and every person on the subway gets to touch them.


The Seat Hog
The Offense
The Seat Hog feels the need to sit in the aisle seat regardless of it the window seat is empty. The worst offenders when asked to move merely twist in their seats 45 degrees forcing you to squeeze by them.

The Punishment
The Seat Hog is forced to sit in their aisle seat while one hundred large hairy men with only their underwear squeezes by them. The temperature is increased one-quarter a degree with each man, thus ensuring the last few will be good and sweaty.


The Stinky Guy
The Offense
For whatever reason this guy feels deodorant or cleaning one’s self to be a sin. He of course will sit next to you.

The Punishment
High powered fire hoses and being force fed bars of Dove Soap.


The Stand In
The Offense
This cheery little fellow stands obviously in the doorway of the subway and doesn’t move out of the way at any of the stops. Others are then forced to either squeeze by him or just plain miss their stop

The Punishment
If he likes standing in the doorway so much, perhaps he’d like to ride on the outside of the train. He will be strapped to the outside of the sliding doors and face the terror that is the subway tunnel walls two inches from his face and the train screams through them.


Loudy
The Offence
Loudy likes music, Loudy likes music loud. Everyone else on the train is forced to listen to Loudy’s music for the duration of the trip. In extreme cases Loudy will sing along.

The Punishment
Loudy is placed in a sound proof chamber and has to listen to Cameo’s “Word Up” until the CD deteriorates in the player or offenders ears retract into his head.


The Fingernail Clipper
The Offense
Apparently this offender is so busy that he must use his commute time for personal grooming. He clips his nails on the subway producing that sickening snap noise and small pieces of his own body to go flying across the train, bouncing off other’s foreheads, into their drinks and eyes.

The Punishment
First the offender is dipped in a large vat of crazy glue and then is transferred to a large washbasin filled with other people’s toe and fingernail clippings and shaken for an hour.


The Giant Bagger
The Offense
This Sheba-like offender feels that there is no place like home, unless you are carrying every belonging you own on your back. His huge bag knocks others over like wobbly pins in a bowling alley. Due to the mass of the bag this fellow doesn’t even notice the chaos he creates in his wake.

The Punishment
He may only ride the subway if he is concealed in the giant bag himself.


The Sleeper
The Offense
The Sleeper is not only a dozy fellow, but he has the habit of letting his head flop down upon other unsuspecting passengers. He may wake up and wipe the drool off his chin, but you know he’ll be back on your shoulder again within five minutes.

The Punishment
The Sleeper is transported from the train without being awakened to the local zoo and placed gently in the loin’s den.

1 comment:

John Hesketh said...

Could you try to leave out the lesbian love scenes from your posts, I am trying to read this from work! I am not a prude as you know.

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